So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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