I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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