Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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