Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
