dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
