not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
