life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
