woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
