i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
