Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
