i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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