sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
