i think my tv is drunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
