I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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