mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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