its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
