We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i've created a new STD.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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