There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Drake has all the answers
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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