He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
