I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I wear drunk well.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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