how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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