we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
