i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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