Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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