I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
