There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
