the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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