it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize