Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
