I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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