They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
