She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
