I just threw up on my dentist
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
