I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
