It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
