did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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