I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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