My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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