well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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