Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
