I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
