she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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