I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
