I'm eating all of the evidence.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
