So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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