I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize