I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
