the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
