Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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