ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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