I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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