tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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