u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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