all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
