Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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