I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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