It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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