I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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