he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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