Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize