mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
