i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
