I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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